AGONY AUNT COLUMN
*Note. As I am trying to assemble my book together at the moment, I don’t really have much brain space for doing any new writing, but I thought I’d start an agony aunt column where I give bad advice for things I know nothing about, inspired by the people who kept sending me questions about their life problems because I asked them to. Feel free to send any questions you might have to firstname.lastname@example.org, and I will do my worst at solving them.
Dear Agony Aunt Uncle Nick, I have this feeling of anxiety around the question whether or not I’m doing enough. I feel like I’ve got so much to give and yet it’s spent working for bullshit. I can see that I’m afraid of just living, ageing. Just everyday. I think it’s a matter of doubting myself, doubting that I can have a happy and long life and I wonder, why this self-defeatist attitude.
Woke and Broke
Dear Woke and Broke,
Is anyone really doing enough? Shit no. Are most of us spending our lives working for bullshit? Fuck yeah. Are most of us afraid of living and ageing? I don’t have the statistics to back it up but probably? What does this all mean? I don’t know. I’m just a schmuck like you, struggling to find meaning in a dying world. The self-defeatist attitude is probably because your mind is trying to kill you. My solution is to try and kill your mind, then you won’t have that annoying voice in your head that is always beating yourself up. Every time you hear that voice saying ‘I can’t do it’ or ‘I’m no good’ I want you to do something for yourself: kick yourself in the balls as hard as you can. Soon you will pair the feeling of severe testicle pain with psychological self-flagellation and you will learn through Pavlovian conditioning to stop giving yourself a hard time. If you are a woman/trans/non-binary etc… and you don’t have any balls to kick in, everytime you begin to beat yourself up, instead smoke about 2 kg of DMT in one hit and there will no longer be a ‘you’ to beat up. If you don’t like any of these two ideas, I will even give you a third option: instead of beating yourself up, beat yourself off. Eventually it will do the same job: distract you from the habitual self-torture of the mind.
I also highly recommend you look into the ‘Default Mode Network’ -
( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Default_mode_network#Pathophysiology ), as it sounds like you may have an overactive DMN and there are various ways to short circuit this, namely through mindfulness meditation practices, smoking 2 kg of DMT in one hit and attempting to assassinate a prominent member of the parliament who really gets your goat while trying to be fully in the present moment as you stare at him through the crosshairs, squeezing not pulling the trigger.
Finally, try not to compare yourself to other people who are doing more than you. These people are really about 0.001% of the population and they are freaks of nature who are just naturally better than the rest of us genetically inferior scum and that’s because they have alien DNA and they need to be ostracised like the reptilian invaders that they are the fucks.
I hope this helps
Some guy living in a shipping container in the jungle
Dear Agony Aunt Uncle Nick, I’m at an International women’s day event and the speakers are so boorrrrring. They are talking about a target of 50% for women in leadership roles. But as a woman, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Become a leader and everyone calls you a ball breaker. Don’t lead and you get labelled ‘meek and mild’. And on top of this I’m sick of hearing white middle-aged men talk about their ‘struggles’.
Dejected Public Servant.
Dear Dejected Public Servant, I hear you. I see you. I feel you. Sometimes I even smell you when you are asleep. I’ve never been a woman in this current lifetime, but I have tried to talk to one once to let her know how I felt about her, and she spat in my face in disgust. But hey enough about my struggles even if I’m not white and only approaching middle age. The best leaders are the ones that never want to be the leader, they are just voted in by everyone because all the other options are people who actually want to be the leader. Anyone who wants to be a leader on purpose, is clearly an arrogant, power-hungry sadist/fascist. I mean how full of alpha monkey bullshit do you have to be, to think that you have what it takes to lead a bunch of people? Fuck those assholes. So the fact that you are already in doubt about being a leader means that you have what it takes, so go be a leader and try your best to not see yourself through other people’s eyes. Be one of these ‘I don’t want to be a leader, but I have to, because the other options are far worse than me’ type of leaders. The best model for this kind of leader is Bruce Willis’s character in ‘Die Hard 4’ where after the first three ‘Die Hards’, he seems so tired of being the hero that when questioned about his motivations, he just shrugs tiredly at the camera and says something like, ‘Someone’s gotta do it.’
So be that reluctant leader and when eventually someone has to have their balls broken, because unfortunately that will be inevitable in the leader role, just say this following speech verbatim:
‘Listen Tim from finances, don’t make me break your balls, I don’t want to break your balls, but the fact is that if you don’t do what has been asked of you, I will have to, because if I don’t, they are going to fire me, and that racist homophobe ladder climbing bitch Lisa from HR will get my job and everyone will be her slave in a dystopian horror show of a workplace hell. Now is this what you want Tim from finances? To be chained to her malformed psyche and unhealed wounds like some gimp on a torture rack, 9–5, 7 days a week, 48 weeks a year, till the day your heart explodes from a buildup of unexpressed petty vindictiveness? Now I bet because I have a vagina and you have a penis and I am trying to tell you what to do, you are going to project some unresolved mother issues onto me and call me a ‘ball-breaker’ behind my back, but the truth is, I don’t want to emasculate you like this Tim from finances. Truth is, if I could breast feed you right now I would, but I can’t because I am not lactating and you are 46 years old and a not very attractive middle aged white male talking about your petty struggles again. Now please go back to your cubicle and do what you can, we are in the middle of the sixth mass extinction and over 150 species are dying each day… Do you realise what that means for global biodiversity Tim from finances? Our children are going to die Tim from finances, do you hear me? Your children are going to bake to death because of us, and you are holding this petty grudge against me, just because I want the Penski file completed by the day that I asked it to be done over three months ago? Fuck you Tim from finances, fuck you. Where’s your motherfucking head at? Where’s your motherfucking head??’
(at this point you break down and slam your fist on the table while calling out the scientific names of various species of animals that have recently gone extinct — you are going to have to research this yourself though).
As for white middle aged men talking about their struggles, next time one does this around you, I urge you to heckle him. No one heckles anyone in real life enough and it’s a real shame because then these people just keep on being dicks because no one has confronted them about it. It’s our duty to inform them of this and hopefully instigate behavioural change. To get the point across I recommend throwing rotten fruit, hissing and spitting at them while heckling them about their faults, that way they are sure to get the message.
I hope this helps you become the reluctant female leader of the free world and don’t forget to spare my life if you end up exterminating the male gender, I never asked to be born a male, it was just something that happened.
I hope this helps
Some guy living in a shipping container in the jungle.
Dear Agony Aunt Uncle Nick, I hate my mother-in-law. She’s an aggressive and abusive witch with no impulse controls but I have a child and I can’t remove myself entirely from all interaction because my partner believes she has a right to be a grandmother. Every time she sees us she takes my newborn out of my sight and into another room. She’s a bigoted, unempathetic, female misogynist and Trump supporter. I find myself wishing death upon her. I look at her and visualise an asteroid crashing on her stupid head. How do I stop having these negative thoughts about my mother-in-law?
Sincerely, Zen Mummy
Dear Zen Mummy. I too have struggled with similar situation, forced to live in close proximity to a toxic person that I could not handle and you know what? You can’t stop these negative thoughts you have about them. It’s best to just let them pass by, as if watching a stream of filth without reacting to the smell. The trick is to not get attached to say an image of them with their head in a jaffle iron as they beg for mercy. Most people think they are good, nice people but I think it’s easier to accept that you are a flawed piece of shit human scumbag just like the rest of us creeps who has murderous thoughts once in a while. Shitty people are hard work. You think you are approaching enlightenment and then one comes along and next thing you know, you can’t stop visualising their violent death while you meditate. I’ve tried many different coping strategies to deal with them. Avoidance. Sending them love. Picturing white light all around them. Trying to remember all that is good in them. Realising that this is not actually them acting this way, but actually a demon that has possessed their soul that is making them behave in such a horrible way. I would then address them not by their name but as ‘Hello Demon-possessing-Beryl’s-soul.’ (thereby divorcing their higher selves from their aberrant behaviour) while constantly throwing salt and holy water at them continuously, trying to always remember that I wasn’t speaking to a human being, but a demon wearing a human skin.
You may also want to express views that are far more extreme in the same direction as hers, so much so that it actually begins to horrify her and makes her moderate. There are scientific studies to support that this is actually the best way to moderate extremist behaviour, not the other way around. So say for example when she says, ‘Those blacks are lazy.’, instead of arguing with her from your liberal standpoint, you should say something like, ‘Yes! Bring back slavery! I want three!’. If she says something like, ‘That Trump sure is a good leader.’ Say something like ‘Kill the Jews! Heil Hitler’ whilst stabbing the air with a swastika emblazoned dagger.
However, by far the most effective method I have found in dealing with toxic people is to acquire some ethically sourced, fair trade rohypnol and lacing her drink every time you have to visit her. Rohypnol got a bad name in the 90’s due to terrible men who were using it to extract non-consensual sexual favours out of unsuspecting victims, but what you never hear is that at a much lower dose, it is frankly superb for helping you deal with toxic people. The key is dosage. You will have to dose her a few times to find the effective level of dose to make her pass out but not die, so start at .5 milligram and work your way up .1 milligram at a time. They key is to make her a drooling vegetable for a few hours, but who still has a working memory, otherwise she might get suspicious every time she wakes up in the bottom of the garden covered in her own pee.
I hope this helps.
Some guys who lives in a shipping container in the jungle.
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